The Most Interesting Man in the World is a man of few words—except when he's recording his outgoing voicemail message. Then, he (or possibly a parrot who sounds just like him) sets up elaborate automated prompts to direct his friends and fans to the most interesting information he can provide.
Dos Equis has put up a mural of the Most Interesting Man on the side of Diablo's Cantina in Las Vegas. "Looking for an interesting time?" it asks. "Call 1-888-790-7665." Doing so leads the caller to the Man's voicemail, where different prompts lead to various jokes about bachelorette parties, out-of-control blimps, blackjack-playing otters and low-fat blueberry muffins.
Below, check out the full voicemail transcript from the writers at Havas Worldwide (formerly Euro RSCG) in New York.
FULL VOICEMAIL SCRIPT
AGE GATE: Hello. You have reached the Most Interesting Man in the World. My answering machine is currently locked, and requires a password to access. Lucky for you, the password happens to be your age. Enter it now, then press pound.
IF OVER 21: Well, it seems everything is in order here. Again, you've reached the Most Interesting Man in the World. But I am not here right now. I am not even recording this message. The voice you are hearing belongs to a parrot who has learned to mimic my every vocal nuance and has taken the initiative to set up my voicemail.
IF UNDER 21: Oh no, I'm sorry, but it seems the password you entered is incorrect. I wouldn't feel right filling your young, impressionable mind with stories of moonlight jungle safaris and underwater boxing matches. Until next time, my friend. [Call ends]
—If you wish to reach Diablo's Cantina, press 0.
And by the way, if you go to Diablo's and see a one-eyed bush pilot named Crusher sitting at the bar, tell him that quilting club has been cancelled this week. [Call is redirected to Diablo's]
—If you want to speak to me directly, press 1.
Say what you have to say, then press 1. [Caller makes statement, presses 1]
Anything else you want to get off your chest? Go ahead. Then press 1. [Caller makes statement, presses 1]
Hmmmm … interesting. I hear that you, like me, are a person of actions rather than words. Our chit-chat would be a waste of valuable time. Instead, allow me to respond by karate chopping a stack of cinderblocks. If this goes awry, we may get disconnected. [Sound of cinderblocks being broken, then caller is returned to the main menu]
—If you are calling for advice, please press 2.
If you need advice about a woman, please press 1.
Please state the full name of the woman who is currently perplexing you, then press 1. [Caller states name, presses 1]
[Man chuckles] Ahhh … that name takes me back. Talk about a … firecracker. My advice: Go ahead and ride the wave, but hold on tight. [Man chuckles]. Are there any other women you would like advice about? If so, say their name and press 1. [Caller states name, presses 1]
Hmmmm. Yes, this name is also familiar. We met tracking a herd of red stags across the Nicaraguan countryside some years back. We wined, we dined. I won't bore you with the details, but lets just say, keep an eye on her, my friend. [Call ends]
If you are calling from an out-of-control blimp and need emergency landing advice, please press 2.
Now, I could tell you how you to land the blimp. But if you figure it out yourself, you'll feel a much greater sense of accomplishment. All I'll say is: Relax and be yourself. You'd be surprised how much out-of-control blimps respond to confidence. Now, hang up and take the controls. [Call ends]
If you can't find your wallet, press 3.
You left it in the silverware drawer at home. [Return to main menu]
—If you are calling about a bachelorette party, please press 3.
I do not perform at bachelorette parties. If you wish me to reconsider, press 1.
The answer is still no. [Return to main menu]
—If you are calling about renting the otter that I have trained to play blackjack, press 4.
Sorry, but having mastered the game of blackjack with considerable ease, the otter is now off trying his luck on the world poker tour. Assuming he doesn't go bust, I expect his return by year's end. [Return to main menu]
—For my easy, low-fat blueberry muffin recipe, please press 5.
That was a test. You have failed. Please try again. [Return to main menu]
—Whatever you do, I urge you, do not press 6. [Caller presses 6]
Under no circumstances should you press 6 again. You are toying with forces you do not fully understand. [Caller presses 6]
Congratulations my friend. Your daring and bravado will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life. However, I was not joking. Pressing the number 6 sets in motion a super collider, accelerating protons to near the speed of light, and smashing them into each other. Suffice it to say, there are probably going to be a few scientists that need my help. Next time, please, trust me. [Call ends]
—To hear some on-hold music, please press 7.
Very well. [Away from the mic] Javier, Ramon—show this caller some real on-hold music. [We hear the clatter of instruments, then a band playing an extended set of salsa music, as if the Most Interesting Man has a live band just waiting to play on-hold music.] [Return to main menu]
—If you are one of the several people who left their bathing suits at my home during my recent Lunar New Year barbecue, please press 8.
Not to worry. I have given your suit to my regular courier. We have triangulated your position, and your suit is on its way to you. Excuse me Javier, aye yay yay. Ah, oh dear, I'm so sorry. The pigeon with your bathing suit … It just got a role in an upcoming spy move … quit his job and few off to L.A. with your trunks. I'm so sorry. [Return to main menu]
—If you are a woman who has not heard from me in a while, press 9.
First of all, my apologies, señorita. I never meant to hurt you. Our time together was brief, but it was sweeter than the honey of a high-fructose Indonesian sugar bee. Remember the rush of cage diving with great whites? [Man chuckles] That was, in my estimation, at least the third most exhilarating thing we did underwater that day. Anyway, I think the time has come for us to part ways. It's not you, it's me. Right now, I need some space in order to train for the one-armed rowing championships. I hope you understand. If hearing this message again would comfort you, please don't hesitate to press 1. [pressing 1 replays the message]
